Sunday, April 5, 2015

I am that I am...

It was a hard year for me.
But it was a hell of a good year.

I grew.
Recognizing that hard doesn't always mean bad and easy doesn't always mean good.

The hardness that presented itself in 2014 enabled me to develop and strengthen some forgotten mental and emotional muscles.

The most important thing I learned is that I am that I am.  Certain things came with me when I hit this plant via Edna and Quentin Jordan.  Godly things.  Sacred things that speak to who I and how I am supposed to be in this world.  I do believe that my name is carved into the hand of God.  I do believe that before the foundations of the world were established - I was known.

That is the premise for accepting that I am that I am.  Who I am organically, who I was created to be is good and it is right.  My purpose on life is to figure who that woman is and to act accordingly.

This year someone told me that I shouldn't have high highs and low lows.  That I should be more 'even'.  I thought about what they said for a very long time and decided that they were wrong.  I am an emotional type person, although for many MANY years I hid my sensitivities.  I was steady Eddy and wouldn't show my feelings.  Well, of course I did have my moments where I couldn't hide.  But when I could I did and many many people never knew for a moment that there was an underbelly to my life which was dark and lonely.

I never let myself feel too much because I always sensed the depression just waiting to  make an appearance.  I always felt like I would lose control if I faced my darkness.

But you can;t fight what you don't face.  One of the reasons I feel I am healthy is because under professional supervision and with a lot of support, I faced what was working against me.  Even that which came from me.  A large part of that was allowing myself to feel and not press my fears and crazy down in attempt to hide it (and hide from it).

These days I let myself feel.  If I am happy I am happy, if I am sad I am sad.  To the outside world I may actually seem less together, but allowing myself the space of "I am that I am" has actually provided me with some stability.  So no, it is not true that I should not have high highs and low lows. What is true is that I shouldn't be crazy or despondent. I shouldn't feel helpless of hopeless for any stretch of time.  But I am a person, and introspective, creative, artistic introvert and my very nature is one where I think and feel deeply.  I laugh hard, I cry hard, I anger hard, I love hard.  What makes me me is the very thing that gets me into the most trouble.  I just have to manage the crazy.

I am that I am.

Forgive any typos or less than perfect writing. I am still learning how to write without obsession.  Instead of writing and editing one blog post for hours (or days) I write and run!! Baby steps....right?

1 comment:

  1. I am so grateful that you are as you are. I love the you that is you.