It's 3:52am and I am not asleep. I can't sleep. And when I can't sleep, my crazy tries to take over.
Earlier, I was in the Target getting my kids last minute Easter stuff and someone called my name. I turned around and immediately recognized the face of a young women but couldn't place her.
"I said to myself that looks like CJ and then it IS CJ!" she said happily. I don't pretend to remember names anymore, so I said, "Tell me your name." She knew I recognized her, so she didn't seem offended to have to remind me.
My mouth fell open. This grown woman was a girl - I mean like 7 years old when her mother and I first met and did church ministry together. In fact her father was our premarital counselor. I absolutely knew who she was, but she was a skinny college girl the last I saw her and that completely threw me off.
"No wonder I didn't recognize you, you are a grown woman!" I laughed. I just couldn't get over how much time had passed. This itty bitty girl I used to know was a 27 year old woman with a child of her own. We chatted, and she was pleased that I absolutely did remember her and knew small details about her life. (Yay Facebook). She gave me a hug and we went our separate ways.
I felt very old. It's not an age or beauty thing. I'm doing pretty good on the external front. My body is shaped a bit differently, but I pretty much look the same as I did 20 years ago. Scratch that. Let me rephrase; although many things have changed - I still look like me. However, in that moment, standing in the kids section of Target I felt old on the inside.
I'm 46 and don't have it together. Success still eludes me. I take two steps forward and 26 steps back. Last year was so great and now I am in the same old place again. I worked so hard on my shop and the market so far has been a bust. Our mortgage went up by several hundred dollars because of taxes. Jon is going to take another gig to make up the difference. Blah Blah Blah.
Again... doing what we need to in order to get by, instead of doing what we are supposed to in order to live. Going backwards anyone?
I can't sleep and that's bad. I am thinking too much. I am not writing in my journal, which means I am not praying and meditating. Not good... But - (I am actually raising my finger as if I am halting someone). BUT... I still hiccup.
In the middle of all my big sad thoughts, there is this little one thought that is so small it can barely be heard over my mental commotion. This little one has to push it's way to the front of my thinking. This little thought jumps through the crowd with it's hand raised to get the attention it deserves. Little thought. Little jump. Like a hiccup. And this hiccup says one thing.
Small but firm. "Not SO." And persistent. It's job is to alert me to the fact that I am so desperate for a reason behind my depressed feelings that I will pick the first explanation that pops into my vitamin D Deprived head. The hiccup reminds me that saying "I am down because nothing ever works out for me" is NOT SO. I am down because I am worried about money.
I think I wait for the hiccup without even realizing it. It's in there somewhere. As long as I feel the hiccup, those little quick starts of truth, I know I will be okay. Even if I have to enlist others to help kick my okayness into high gear.
But when there's no hiccup. Whew, I'm in big trouble.