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Tuesday, March 25, 2014

The Things I Would Change

There was a time that my life's work was to change who I was.  To fix what was wrong. To be strong where I was weak.  To replace sadness with happiness and tough times with ease.  I thought it was wise to invest my time and energy focusing on the negative things about myself in an attempt to make life more positive.  

That is as crazy as crazy gets.  

I have said it before that it is crazy to focus your time,  attention, energy, prayers, mental aptitude and willpower on changing what you are NOT.   Thinking that by focusing on the negative - somehow, at some point, you (or God) will magically pull all your pieces together and blammo - your life is your dream lived.  

It's cool to try to improve yourself and grow.  It's only right to manage your weaknesses and break self-destructive habits.  

It's idiotic to try to improve yourself at the expense of your life.  I was so wacky that I tried to fix what wasn't broken.  Some of the things I called weaknesses were actually strengths that I didn't value.   But enough of that.

I don't do that foolishness any longer.  Now I direct my attention, energy and prayers on what is good.  I shore up my strengths, accept my weaknesses, ride out the sadness and see the value in the tough times.   That is how I roll.  That is what I do.  I mean, I might do it badly. Sometimes it is easier to focus on all that is...well, all that is NOT than to make the good great.  I'm yikkity yakking.   Let's get to the chase.

If a stereotypical turban wearing burly dude exploded out of a Tequila bottle offering to grant me the opportunity to change anything I could about myself  - I would jump at the chance.  Of course absolving the turban wearing burly dude of any haywire resulting from my 'do overs". 

I would change my brain.
I would change the fact that I obsess.
I would change the fact that I am prone to melancholy.
I would change the fact that I am a introvert.
I would change the fact that I am disorganized.  
I would change the fact that I don't like to clean my house or do laundry.
I would change the fact that my father died when I was 17.
I would change the fact that I broke into pieces and quit college.
I would change the fact that I lost my baby.
I would change the fact that I broke into tinier pieces.
I would change the fact that I sometimes still want approval.
I would change the fact that I float from one project to another.
I would change the fact that I am not incredibly rich.
I would change the fact that I passed up opportunities out of fear.  (Like not singing when asked and not taking Gwendolyn Brooks up on her offer to call her at her home anytime.  She offered to read my work.  I thought she was just 'being nice')
I would change the fact that I lost Ella Fitzgerald's autograph. 

So much of this...stuff...is what produced who and where I am today.  4 out of 7 days I like who I am.  I like my life.  For me that is more than pretty good and all the other stuff is not that important to be worrying about changing. 

In all seriousness there are only three things in my life I would absolutely positively change.

My baby would be with me.
I would not have lost Ella Fitzgerald's autograph.
I would have called Gwendolyn Brooks.  




2 comments:

  1. It's funny how much I can relate to you- even though I am certain we lead very different lives. I love reading what you have to say and often can really relate.

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  2. Thanks so much. It's funny how even though people can be different, how much they are the same. Thanks for the comment!!

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