Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Letter to Myself - 7 Years Later

In honor of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day


CJ, 

At first your brain will be tripping all over itself trying to figure out what happened.  Your heart will feel like it is erupting from your chest.  The pain will be so thick and heavy  you will feel like you are suffocating.  You will hate the grief. It won't be the grief to trick you into thinking you are weak and emotionally blind-folded.  It will be the hatred.  You will learn that  that there is no expiration date on grief.  Trying to run from it will cause more harm that good and your need to be "strong" will get the best of you.  

I know you can't accept this now, but you will find power and freedom in your vulnerability. 

You will be depressed, then well, then depressed again.  

Don't listen when people try to question your faith because at the core of everything you knew life was going to be good to you.

Sometimes you will be overwhelmed by the fact that you should have two.
Two girls
Two beds
Two girly backpacks and lunch boxes.
Two American Girl Dolls

7 years later you will still feel like she should be with you. But you won't be angry. You won't spit out your heart because it's so damaged.   You will have learned to let the sadness be. Your sadness speaks to her.  It says, "Hey baby.  I miss you."


1 comment:

  1. "You will have learned to let the sadness be." *grabbing my tissue* Your honesty and raw feelings I'm sure are a blessing for others. I hope this journey is the makings of one of those book ideas you have milling around in your head. ;)

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