Saturday, October 29, 2011

The Hard with the Soft

It was a hard day today. For me and my children.  The hardness of the day was really just the result of a terrible week disintegrating into an emotionally charged heap of dust.  Each night this week, at some late hour, I found myself mentally collapsed with all of my thoughts folded on top of each other like a damp newspaper.

This morning I could not get unfolded, unstuck, or undone from my sleepless night and achy body.
I was a mess, off kilter from the moment I opened my eyes. And you moms know how it is, if mama is off kilter, everyone is off kilter.   I found myself taking it out on the kids, by harping on their every transgression and getting angry for their inability to operate in my disorganization and chaos.    I woke up late and they got scolded for moving to slowly.  I forgot to oversee my 7 year old take his medicine and then yelled at him when he couldn't get himself together in order to get dressed.  My off-kilter self actually attempted a visit to the pediatrician all with a overly hyper and sensitive 7 year, a Chatty Kathy (and whiny) 5 year old and a 9 year old with an absolute bona fide terror of needles.  And it was vaccination and flu shot day. 

I was bad-tempered and insensitive.

There was a moment in the Dr's office, where my daughter was pulling on my jeans saying, "mama, mama, mama,mama, mama" over and over again. My usually super brave and try anything 9 year old was starting to hyperventilate because the nurse came in with the needle, and my 7 year old was pretty much rolling on the floor wearing nothing but a pair of jeans.  Nothing - he forgot to put underwear on. Generally I can pull it together and whip everyone into shape.  Today,  I sat down, bowed my head and covered my eyes and started crying.  It  startled my children to silence.  Almost.  But before the first string of tears hit my chin, I was up, wiping my eyes and pulling a 71 pound boy onto my lap to hold him as he got his shot.   I answered my daughter's burning question and managed to coerce my 7 year old to put on his shirt and shoes.  Then, in a instant we were off to the boy's Halloween Parade and Party.
We made it through the rest of the day with only a few more tears. Most of them occurred when I told my husband about how terrible I was to my children.

It was my night to put the kids to bed.  Instead of our regular routine, I crawled into bed next to my 7 year old, hugged him and told him how sorry I was about the day.  He gave me a big soft sleepy hug in return and started to tell me how sorry he was.  I stopped him short and told him that he didn't have to apologize for a thing. Why should he have to apologize for being 7? I could feel all the anxiety melt from his body. Being around me had put him on pins and needles.  I saw from the corner of my eye, my oldest pop his head over the side of the bunk.

I climbed the ladder and slid into his bunk.  I didn't have to say much, he was just happy I was there.  I had been forgiven the moment I placed my bare foot on the bottom rung of his bunk bed ladder.  It was a hard day, one I helped create...and I'm sorry for pulling my children into my anxiety ridden whirlwind.  But at the end of the day, but my boys forgiveness gave me a soft landing.

6 comments:

  1. Reading this post, I feel like patting you on the shoulder and tell that everything will be okay. It's just a matter of time. Every mother experience things like this but being positive about it all helps us to pull through.

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  2. Even though we have never met I'm giving you one big cyperspace hug. Children are just wonderful aren't they. You are not alone in your frustration of the day. It will get better, especially how couldn't it the way your boys embraced you.

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  3. Very inspiring!! Children can make the difference in our life. They are such a blessing. Excellent Post. MzGaPeachy@ www.darealtalk

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  4. A big hug from me to you. Thanks for sharing.

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  5. I tagged you here: http://mamatinkstinkerings.blogspot.com/2012/02/tag-youre-it.html. I hope you have time to play along!

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    ReplyDelete