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Monday, May 16, 2011

Bouncing from my Memories...Landing in my Story.

I have been having a hard time with my writing. For the last three years I have been bouncing from project to project like a circus performer bouncing from trampoline to trampoline.  Just when I think I have landed, another idea springs up and I go flying again into the air, hoping that this time when I land, I will be safely grounded once and for all.

When an idea first takes hold, it is exhilarating. I see the potential landscape, the paths that I could take and I imagine my final landing complete with applause and accolades.  It never comes. Instead of landing safely  on solid footing, I hit another great idea and off I go again with all my previous ideas being flung violently to the wayside by my momentum.

I have been bouncing for too long.  Everything in me is tired.  All this continual movement has bred anxiety and fear because I know that my fabulous yet fleeting brainstorms can not sustain me much longer. I am soon going to loose my footing and go sprawling about hurt, tired and disgraced.  It is time to stop the bouncing and just walk.  One step at a time and get where I am supposed to be going.

Because so much time has passed, almost 5 years, it is hard for me to admit that I am still in the ripple effects of my deep depression from losing Lauren.  I understand that losing a child is not something you ever "get over". And I also understand that as long as you are moving forward and not stuck in your tragedy - there is no expiration date on grief.  I have a right to be sad anytime the feeling arises.  Yet, I constantly give myself a hard time because there is something in me that wants to "get over it".   Simply because I do not like the emotionality of it all.  I do not like feeling sad.  I do not like feeling like something is still missing. I do not like the tightness I feel in my chest right before I cry.  Although I am not cold and unfeeling, I am not overly emotional. In fact, I can detach from my emotions like a booster detaches from a rocket .  When the pressure hits I can jettison my feelings from a situation with a quickness. Except for this - I cannot detach.  I can't turn the feelings off or keep the recollections at bay.  They are with me everyday.  And what's worse,  they call to me to write. Every single time I sit at my desk, or start a journal entry, I feel the pull.

So I bounce.

Last night, I couldn't get started.  My mind was racing trying to decide what to do first.  I became quietly overwhelmed and immediately took a pause. I sat silently in my creative disarray, surveying my personal landmine of half executed ideas.  I am a writing jack of all trades, with not a whole lot to show for it. Last night I finally confessed that I have been ignoring the call, choosing instead to bounce around from one idea to another in order to avoid the inevitable.  My racing mind slowed.  I landed.  I have my story to tell.  All of it.

Except - where to start?

7 comments:

  1. CJ:

    My sympathies. You must grieve how your heart tells you to and not to pass judgment on yourself. Hang in there.

    Regards,
    Donna
    Children’s Author
    Write What Inspires You Blog
    The Golden Pathway Story book Blog
    Donna M. McDine’s Website

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  2. Thanks Donna -

    That is so true - grieving how the heart tells you to - I could not have said it any better.

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  3. It takes courage to write what you should. You have to face pain all over again. I'll be praying for you..

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  4. CJ, I sincerely thank you for sharing this. As a fiction writer, I sometimes forget that there are writers like yourself that are sharing their personal stories and are finding it just as a difficult to relive certain aspects of the past both because its cathartic and healing and to provide a story to their readers. I'm certain once you complete your memoir, you will help a lot of parents in a similar situation.

    P.S. I love your comment Donna!

    Stefanie/TheWriteOneBlog.com

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  5. Journey to epiphany - thank you for your prayers. ALthough it is difficult - I am excited about the journey and the process. It is another chance for me to learn and grow.

    Stefanie - thanks for your words and your great website! I find that whether I write fiction or creative non-fiction, the emotions come from the same place. I think you just have to process them differently. Pain, anger, happiness - whatever the feeling - it doesn't really know whether the situation is fictional or not - as writers we give the emotions the story. That's the beauty and the pain of it all.

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  6. I agree with Donna~very wise words.

    I am now following you from MBC :-)

    You can find me here~
    DebsHere
    http://debshere.blogspot.com/

    Thanks!

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  7. Thanks Deb K. Now following your blog!

    CJ

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