I have a confession. Lately, my mind has been a massive, cluttered, jumbled mess. So much so that I am beginning to feel it in my body with mystery aches and pains coupled with the familiarity of not sleeping. When I slow down and try to have a peaceful meditative moment, my brain feels like a brick, with its edges rubbing against the inside of my head. I need a retreat. Somewhere clean and orderly with scents of vanilla and eucalyptus where there are no sounds of little voices or knocks at the door. A place that has a deep smooth bathtub with no nemo or barbie toys to be seen. That's what I need.
Here's the deal, I have not written anything in weeks, with the exception of my blogs. I have not even been doing my "pages" in the morning which help me remain grounded and inspired throughout the day. The funny thing, I know that there is an immature internal temper tantrum happening. My inner self is saying, " I don't wanna." because things are not really going my way. It's like when I am really angry at my son - my middle man. He sometimes goes crazy and just screams like a mad man. I hate it. If I am not on my toes, we end up in a ridiculous power struggle and you know what they say, once you enter in a power struggle with your kid, you have already lost the battle. Sometimes in the midst of his cryings, he will look up at me with those huge tears and say, "Mommy, if you sing to me I will feel better."
Sounds sweet right? Well it's not, and I "don't wanna", especially after he has just been screaming at the top of his lungs, or repeating the same thing over and over and over again. The thing is, my son knows that once I have him in my lap and start to sing, then I will calm down and not be so angry. That's how I feel about writing. I don't want to do my pages because I know it will calm me down when what I want is to be mad at life. Being mad at life is so much easier these days than actually deciding what to do with my life. Which leads me to my problem - what the hell I am supposed to be doing?!
My gut is telling me it is time to buckle down and get to some serious long format writing. Initially, I was confident that my memoir project would be the best place to start. Now, I am not so sure. I started a novel several years ago which is still taking up creative residence in this already cluttered mind of mine. All of a sudden I have been thinking a great deal about the characters, the plot, the tone - everything. I can see the landscape of my novel, the characters moving about. I can even see what they are wearing and how they function in the little world I created years ago. This sudden development is throwing a wrench in my plans. I didn't want to work on my novel. I didn't want to go back to fiction. I have not written fiction since well before my pregnancy with Noelle. The funny thing is, prior to that experience, all I considered myself to be was a novelist. My life has just taken such a turn...and I feel strongly about writing my experience. Or am I avoiding something?
Do I work on the novel that has been trapped in my mind for years? Do I start the memoir project which will require research and dredging up the past? I also have a online store to run and a continuing job search, not to mention my children and husband. I know myself - if I write this novel I will become hyper-focused and obsessed...can I afford to do that right now? Ugh! I know...I know - I should just shut-up, pack up the temper tantrum and just get to work!