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Friday, May 21, 2010

I Write Because...

People ask me all the time why I write about losing a baby. They might not ask me through words, but I see the question in their eyes, I feel it in their pause after I mention it, I hear it in their indirect comments. One person actually said to me, “Well, imagine how women feel that lose babies that they actually delivered!” I was stunned. Heart-stopping stunned. I couldn’t even respond because my brain could not absorb the significance of the statement. “What the freak does that mean?” I asked myself later. And then it hit me. It was simple actually. My baby wasn’t as significant because she died before she lived. She died before people knew her name, before her first diaper, before her first taste of milk, before the first smile, tooth and day at school. To the outside, she never really existed.


Truth be told, since I still talk about losing Lauren three years later, people assume I am emotionally devastated. They think I should be healed by now. At this point the experience should be regulated to…just a sad thing that happened status. My focus and love should be reserved for my three real children. So why keep talking about it? Just let it go. ..Why re-live it all by writing?

I write because …I am a writer.

I write because I have something to say.

I write because losing Lauren was the single most significant, transformative experience of my life. It made me remember who I was created to be.

I write because children who die before they are born are real. They deserve to be remembered.

I write because some mistake the grief of a woman as weakness. We are not weak, we are honest.

I write because there are those who would like us to pretend it never happened to save them discomfort. Oh well.

I write because every word, regardless of how painful, is a prayer of thanksgiving. It is an offering that my soul longs to give. Everyday I thank God for my imperfect world. I am complete.

I write because I love her and she will always be apart of me.

Picture Courtesy of Dreamstime
http://www.dreamstime.com/stock-photo-close-up-of-a-fountain-pen-rimagefree7929446-resi2119550

8 comments:

  1. Hi CJ,

    I wonder if you realize that Dis Normal is me, Jillian, from our Aspiring Writer's Group???

    This post encapsulates what I was looking for from you, the emotion, the feelings, the real and the raw.

    I truly am angered by how down right insensitive people can be but then just when I am beginning to question mankind somebody surprises me with their ability to show how much they care and feel for me.

    My immediate reaction to this post is to say, please do not explain as to why you have the need to write this all down. Forget about those people who don't get it and seem to pass judgment. This is about your journey with Lauren and you are doing something wonderful for the both of you.

    You are a beautiful writer!

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  2. Hi Jillian,

    I did realize it was you. I really thank you for your comments. The emotional frontier is the hardest for me. I am thinking about the comments I made to you on the "Do I Offend" blog and I thought to myself.."Physician Heal Thyself!"... referring to myself of course.

    Thanks again Jillian!

    cj

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  3. What a beautiful post, I can't imagine your lose, but I too realize how a blog can therapy for you. I'm certain many, many people can relate to this.

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  4. It's hard to fathom how people can judge the grief of another. Trust me, there are so many people out there that get you. Gorgeous post.

    parenting ad absurdum

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  5. I am sorry you have to face judgment on top of tragedy. I think it's magnificent the way you can express what you feel and you are not alone. Please don't stop.
    Swati

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  6. You guys are fab...Thank you! In all honesty, a small part of me felt like I needed to remind myself why I write about my experience...and I think the simple fact is that I want to and am inspired doing so..

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  7. Its been several years for me too, and I still mourn the loss of a baby that I had hopes & dreams for but never got to hold.

    I think its just difficult for some people to understand. Its not something I understood until it happened to me.

    Thank you for this honest and open post...

    I'm now following you through MBC 100 Club.
    Come visit me @ http://sofiasideas.com/

    Sofia's Ideas

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  8. Sofia,

    Thank you for the comment and understanding. It is hard for people to understand and I just wanted to give voice to some of the things moms like us may experience. I have been fortunate to have processed through my loss in a healthy (although imperfect) way. We never forget and We always will feel that grief..And I know no, that's ok!

    CJ

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