Saturday, May 15, 2010
Help! I Can't Turn Off my Mind! Part Deux...
So I got to thinking. I started to think about why I think too much. I think I finally figured it out. So here goes...I think... alot...Period. CJ is a thinker. Not to be compared with Socrates or Bono of course. But thinking is what I do, and starting today - I am ok with it.
But I must sleep. To start my day off positively, I must feel rested, peaceful and inspired. (At least long enough to get Noelle her bath and the boys off to school). The truth is that my nightly thoughts were none of those things. There was no rest, no peace, no inspiration. The evening ritual that played out in my head was ridden with negativity, discouragement and fear. It was insane to think that I could sleep with all of that anxiety racing around in my brain, building up night after night.
My initial goal was to just turn it all off. To figure out some great formula that would allow it all to stop and SNAP me into sleep wonderland. But I can't turn who I am off - so I had to find another way. It finally occurred to me that I can't stop myself from thinking - but I can control WHAT I think about. When I put my head down , before the whirlwind of thoughts start to whip up, I pause and remember that life has been good to me. When all the problems, to do lists and self criticisms start forming, I very consciously start thinking about how grateful I am.
The truth is that I am incredibly grateful for this wonderful life. I am amazed at how far I have come both emotionally and spiritually. I am grateful because my life could have turned out differently. But here I am, after a lifelong struggle with depression, after being broke, after losing a baby, losing a house, losing friends - after finding that my son is the poster child for ADHD, after the meds, the tears and the insanity of it all - I am strangely the happiest and most content I have ever been. I just have to remember the truth of my life - which is - it's still good.
I promised I would share when I found a solution.
Remember that your life is still good and be grateful. And if you can't think of one thing to be grateful for (trust me - I have been there too), focus on your breath. If you are still breathing that means you have the chance to figure it out tomorrow.
Good sleep to you all!
Photo Courtesy of Salvatore Vuono